Family Feud: Akatsuki vs Espada
by 0Kuro Tenshi0
Summary: Yes, you've read right. Come watch our two favorite groups of villains battle in a "friendly" game of Family Feud. Rated T for Hidan, Grimmjow and OC. Warning: This is a crack fic!
1. Prologue

**(A/n: I was just sitting at home, watching Family Feud. And then I thought to myself, 'What would happen if the Akatsuki played Family Feud against the Espada?' I started writing this about a year ago, so it's kind of old.**

**Warning: This IS a crack fic, it is not meant to be taken seriously.**

**[Oh, and if you know who says, "I thought to myself…" I'll give you a cyber-brownie :D] Review if you want, and enjoy!)**

**Prologue**

Tenshi sat on her bed, back against the wall, feet swinging off the edge of the bed, eyes closed in concentration. 'It is so fuckin' boring… Ulquiorra is busy… Mika's busy… Grimmjow isn't in his room and I do **NOT **wanna try looking for him…' she continued to rattle off names in her head, looking for a way to escape her boredom when she felt a vibration in her left pocket. Frowning, the bored girl dug in her pocket until she pulled out a cell phone. Her frown deepened as she noticed she didn't know the caller. She reluctantly pressed the talk button and put the small button to her ear. "Uh, hello?"

"Hey Tenshi!" a female voice said in a cheery tone.

Tenshi felt a grin spread across her face. "Oh hey Authoress. What's up?

"Eh, nothing much. Call me Kuro." Tenshi could practically see Kuro-chan roll her eyes and wave her hand dismissively by the tone of her voice.

"Whatever. So what's the cause of this lovely call?" Tenshi asked, a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"I'm bored. And since I know you're bored too I've decided that we should," Kuro paused. "play a game." Tenshi heard the devious grin in her creator's voice.

"Oh? And what game would that be?" Tenshi raised an eyebrow warily.

"Relax, I think you'll particularly like this one." Kuro said, smirking on the other side of the line.

"Does it involve any type of torture?" Tenshi asked.

"Towards the Espada, yes. And some others who you don't know yet."

"Count me in."

"Good. All you have to do is get the Espada to go to the world of the living…" Some rustling of paper could be heard from Kuro's end of the line. "In America, go to Florida…" Kuro continued to give Tenshi more specific directions to the studio where the game would be taking place.

"Make sure you're on time." Kuro stated, refolding her map.

"M'kay Kuro-sama. See ya there."

"Bye."

**(A/n: This prologue is super short, I Know, but I just wanted to put my idea out there and see how many people would like this story. So, yeah, let me know if I should continue it or just leave it to grow moldy in the back of my closet.**

**-0Kuro Tenshi0)**


	2. Chapter 1

**(A/n: Before you read this you should know Nishakku is Ulquiorra's older brother. He is basically the same except he has white hair[I think] gold eyes, and gold tear streaks. The reason I'm not sure is because he's my buddy's OC, and all credit for him goes to her. [****Horror's Bride****] Enjoy!)**

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**Chapter 1**

"Lord Aizen?"

"Yes, Ulquiorra?"

"Why have you called this meeting?"

Aizen sighed, summing it all up in one word: "Tenshi." The cuatro Espada nodded once and sighed himself. "What did she do?"

"Nothing yet. She said something about having a meeting because of some sort of urgent matters."

"And you believe her kind of 'urgent matters' will actually be urgent?" Grimmjow asked with a scoff.

Before Aizen could reply, the door opened and Tenshi entered, wearing some sort of reading glasses while reading some type of document concealed by a folder and heaving a heavy-looking box on her hip. Dropping the box on the table with a huff, she started passing a sheet of paper out to everyone present. "We're going to Florida." She said.

"What?"

"Where?"

"What the hell?"

"When?"

As the protests grew, a tick mark appeared on her forehead. Taking the glasses off, she took out a bullhorn and blew it, covering her sensitive canine ears. It grew quiet as everyone else rubbed their ears.

"My god…" she muttered. "Anyways, we're going to Florida, which is in America, which is in the World of the Living."

A series of 'Oh's and different conversations broke out among the Espada. Tenshi raised the horn threateningly, glaring, and it was quiet once again.

"Okay. So anyways…" a grin spread across Tenshi's face. "We leave at three. This afternoon."

"What?!"

"But that's in an hour!"

Tenshi blew her horn again. "Shut it you whiny little bitches!" she snapped. Opening the box, she pulled out five t-shirts and tossed one to Ulquiorra, Harribel, Szayel, Nishakku, and Aizen.

They unfolded the shirts and a few gasps and stifled laughter was heard throughout the room. Tenshi pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration and closed her eyes. "I'm gonna kill that kid…" she muttered, then reopened her eyes and let her hand fall to her side. The t-shirts were supposed to be plain white with a simple hollow mask on it. Instead, they were a pastel pink with a hollow mask that had been princess-ified. There was a huge tiara on its head, baby blue eyeshadow over its eye sockets, pink blush on its cheeks, and pink lipstick above and below its growling fangs.

Turning and starting for the door, Tenshi tossed over her shoulder, "Don't forget: Authoress wants y'all packed and ready by three o'clock sharp!" and slipped out of the room.

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**(I don't know how often I'll update this story; my mother has yet to give me my laptop back even though I'm off of punishment. **

**REVIEW! AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!)**


	3. Chapter 2

**(A/n: Damn. I hadn't realized how long it's been since I updated this. Oh well, shit happens. I'm in a bad mood right now because I can't find the written out version of this story; I think I threw it away when cleaning my room. So I'm kinda just winging it for now until I write it over again.**

**Oh well, enjoy, review, and all that shit.)**

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**Chapter 2**

Tenshi was reluctant to go off in search of Mika for fear of getting lost again. It has happened to her on multiple occasions, ending up with herself and others injured. Somehow, though, she felt the authoress wouldn't let her get lost this time since she had a mission of sorts to complete, so she set off to find the white-haired girl. After about a half hour— "Curse you dammit!" she thought angrily at the authoress, who she knew could hear her— she finally found the other girl in the kitchen, sitting on the counter and throwing fruit at anything that moved. Tenshi caught the apple that came her way and grinned at her friend. "Bored?" she asked.

"Yup." Mika said, nodding. "Is it easy to tell?"

"You're throwing apples at anything that moves." Tenshi deadpanned. "You only do stupid shit like that when you're bored."

The taller girl just shrugged. "Touché. So what did you want?"

"Oh yeah!" Tenshi snapped her fingers. "The authoresses wanted me to give you this." Tenshi handed Mika a folded slip of notebook paper. "It's about a trip or something we're supposed to be going on to cure our boredom."

"You read my note?" Mika glared at the munchkin, tempted to hit her.

Tenshi waved her away dismissively. "You know I'm nosey, get over it."

As Tenshi walked out of the room to get out of harm's way, aka: Mika's Apples of Doom, the Authoress decided to punish her by making her walk into the doorframe. "Dammit!" The Inugo heiress cursed under her breath.

Mika rolled her eyes at her friend's antics before she opened the note to get the specifics of this so-called "trip".

_Yo! Horror here! Kuro-chan decided to hold a… contest in the World of the Living, and I'm helping her since you're mine. So, I'm temporarily giving you the power to go to different dimensions and stuff 'cause I need you to go to the World of Naruto to get our" guest" contestants, a group called the Akatsuki. You just need to get there and I'll take care of the rest. Now, what I want you to do is…_

The letter then went into specifics on how Mika dimension-traveled that the authoress is too lazy to describe. Once Mika was in the Narutoverese standing in front of the huge, rock hideout, a vibration in her pocket caught her attention. She dug around, pulled out her cell phone, and flipped it open. She put the device to her ear, "Hey Horror-sama."

"Sup Mika? I have an idea. Do you want to enter like a boss?" Mika could hear the grin in her creator's voice.

"Of course." Mika said. "Whaddya got in mind?"

"Well, after I give you these instructions, I want you to put me on mute. First, you're to gather some spiritual pressure up in your vocal cords. It'll feel weird, and you'll want to let it out. So, when it gets almost unbearable, I want you to scream as loud as you can. Once the barrier breaks, go in through the dust and make your entrance or whatever." Mika could feel the second authoress roll her eyes. "Just make sure you take me off mute as soon as you get in there."

"Ok." Mika did as Horror said, muting her and building up her spiritual pressure in her vocal cords. She winced; it was uncomfortable, and she had to start over twice before she got used to it. Once unbearable, as the authoress described, Mika let out a fierce, high-pitched scream. Slowly, the seal cracked and blew away in the wind as the rock door crumbled to pebbles. As dust rose, Mika stepped in, a wide grin spread across her face. "Sup bitches!" she greeted after un-muting her phone.

Horror sighed, probably face-palming, on the other end of the line. "You hang around Tenshi too much…" she muttered.

"Well it _is_ her creator writing this, so you shouldn't be too surprised." Mika said.

"True." Horror said thoughtfully.

A nice sized rock fell and hit Mika on the head, courtesy of Kuro. As Mika opened her mouth to complain, Horror intervened, seeing as they were there for a reason. The ten criminals currently in the room stared at Mika with a disbelieving stare. "Who are you and why are you in our hideout." A booming voice came from a … shadow? He/it was the only one to step forward when Mika had entered, so she guessed he/it was their leader.

Horror answered for Mika. "You and your organization of criminals are coming to compete against our organization of idio— I mean criminals for a weekend." Horror said, almost slipping and calling them "idiots". Most of them were, she just wanted to keep both the Espada and the Akatsuki on equal terms for now.

"Are you the one in charge of destroying our front door?" Kakuzu demanded from the rest of the members on the statue thingy. "Because I hope you know you're paying for that."

"Eh, shut it Frankie **(1)**. I'll fix that later. For now, you and the rest of your comrades are going to come play— I mean compete for money." Horror said.

"I'm in." Kakuzu stated suddenly, using the Body Flicker technique to stand down in front of Pein, who grabbed the miser's arm. "And if we don't come? We can just kill the girl." Pein said.

"Oh, you don't want to do that." Horror chuckled darkly. Suddenly it got darker in the already dark cave and a black mass appeared behind Mika in front of the main entrance, blocking off the sunlight. As glowing eyes of all colors of the rainbow appeared in the swirling mass, soft hisses and whispers rose in volume until the Akatsuki members heard audible phrases of different voices come from it.

"I'll kill them if you give me peach yogurt."

"I'll seal their deaths with a bow."

"I can send them to hell if you want me to."

Horror's voice rose above the other women's. "See, the girl you see in front of you is Mika, my daughter of sorts. I created her. I also created all of the women in the portal you see behind you, and they would get very upset if anything happened to their sister. So I think it's best for you to just pack your bags and go with Mika before this gets messy." Mika stared at the phone on her hand. She had almost forgotten how much of a boss her creator was.

Pein was quiet for a moment before he sighed. "Fine."

They could all hear Horror grin as she replied, "Good!"

Mika hung up the phone a moment later, grinning awkwardly at the Akatsuki. "Sorry we got off on a bad foot, but… y'all wanna start over? I'm Mika, as Horror-sama said."

"Kakuzu." The gruff man said.

"Deidara, un." A blond boy stated.

"Tobi's name is Tobi!" a human lollipop piped up cheerily.

"No one cares Tobi, un!" Deidara bopped the childish member on the head.

"WAH! SEMPAI'S BEING MEAN TO TOBI!"

Mika stared at the pair before blinking and looking to the next member. "Alright then." She mumbled under her breath. "Your name?" she asked Hidan.

Before the zealot could open his mouth, Kakuzu answer for him. "He's Hidan. Don't mind what comes out of his mouth; he can't form a competent sentence without cursing." And to prove Kakuzu's point, Hidan went off on a cursing tangent on Kakuzu.

Mika moved onto the next person. "And you?" she asked Kisame.

"Kisame. That's Itachi." He said, and then pointed at said weasel, who barely glanced in her direction.

"I'm Konan." Konan stated, then gestured at Zetsu and Leader, introducing them respectively. "They're Zetsu and Pein-sama."

Mika nodded. "Good. Now that introductions are over, are you all ready to go? You'll be there for a few days."

There seemed to be no complaint, and Kakuzu seemed to have pulled a random suitcase out of his ass, which held who knows what. "Okay then, we should get going!" Mika opened a portal to the World of the Living back in her dimension. She gestured for the Akatsuki to go first. "After you!"

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**(A/n: I made this longer, I think. Either way, first round comes next chapter. To suggest questions, leave them in a review or PM me or something. If you do suggest a question, make sure it's one related to ninja/shinigami please! Review and shit, ja ne.)**


	4. Chapter 3

**(A/n: I reread the last chapter and realized I forget to explain the whole Frankie thing. Basically, I like to call Kakuzu Frankie, which is short for Frankenstein. I'm pretty sure you can connect the dots from there XD.**

**I **_**was **_**on spring break when I started typing this, but I put it off and then I had to go back T.T Forgive me . But, I'll let you get to round one of Family Feud: Akatsuki vs. Espada! Enjoy, read, review, and all that shit.**

**WAIT! I can't remember if I ever did one of these for this story yet, but I no own Naruto or Bleach. Otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here typing this shit. It'd be in the story line. :D Now you may read.)**

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**Chapter 3**

The Akatsuki and Espada came in different entrances. The two leaders (Kuro made Pein bring one of his bodies instead of that shadow thingy) glared at each other, ringed purple eyes clashing with brown ones. "Who are you?" they both demanded at once.

Their already narrow eyes narrowed further. "I asked you first." They both said again.

As sparks of lightening flew between the leaders, Mika and Tenshi entered. "Hello Espada people!" Tenshi said loudly, a wide grin on her face. "Hello, erm…"

"Akatsuki." Mika whispered to her.

"Akatsuki people!" Tenshi said, shooting Mika a grateful look. "Welcome to our first annual Family Feud: Akatsuki vs Espada!"

"What? Annual?"

"These bastards aren't my family!"

Shouts of protest arose from both parties. Tenshi pulled her horn out of her pocket and raised it threateningly. The Espada quieted down and plugged their ears while most of the Akatsuki members yammered on unsuspectingly. She pressed the button, the loud noise effectively silencing the Akatsuki. "Yeah, these games may or may not be annual, it depends on how Kuro-sama feels."

"Never call _me_ '-sama' and I'm supposed to be your leader." Aizen muttered darkly.

"Well I have no respect for you." Tenshi said bluntly. "I have to respect Kuro-sama or else she'll do something to spite me." Tenshi glared up at the ceiling.

A loose piece of ceiling fell and bopped her on the head. "I didn't even do anything!" she cried, rubbing her sore head.

"_Anyway_." Mika said pointedly, "The rules of this game are simple. We'll ask a question and two contestants will be up on the stand thing." She gestured towards the podium in the front where the host normally stood.

"The first one to hit the buzzer gets to answer. If he or she gets it right and it's number one, their team automatically gets to play. If they get it wrong or if its number two or three or something, the other person gets a chance to answer." Tenshi added. "Whoever's team gets to two hundred points, wins."

"I think that's it." Mika muttered, nodding to herself. "So, any questions?" she asked louder.

There were none, so she made her way over to the Espada while Tenshi approached the Akatsuki. "Ok, so playing on this side will be Aizen, Harribel, Ulquiorra, Szayel, and Nishakku. Get on stage behind the podium things that say Espada." Mika pointed. Mentioned members went up to the stage without question.

"Well, what the hell are we supposed to do?" Grimmjow asked loudly.

"I was getting to that." She glared, giving him a 'Don't-make-me-sick-Tenshi-on-you' look. "The rest of you can go sit in the stands back there." Mika pointed to the seats opposite of the stage. "It doesn't matter where you sit, just don't argue, don't get too loud—" she gave Grimmjow and Noitora meaningful stared, which they objected to. She ignored them. "Don't act uncivilized in general, and don't call out answers or else your team loses points. No cursing, either." She looked them all over. "Got it?" there were mumbles of agreement as the remaining men went to go sit in the empty chairs.

"OK!" Tenshi said loudly as she approached the Akatsuki. "Since I don't know you and you don't know me, let me introduce myself. I'm Tenshi Inugo, heiress of the Inugo clan. Which one of you is Pein?" she asked, looking down at the clipboard in her hands.

The Akatsuki leader stepped forward. Tenshi grinned. "Nice to meet ya, Spikey! You'll be playing. Konan?" She glanced down at the board again.

The single female member stepped forward. "Hi! You're playing too. Itachi?"

The Uchiha stepped forward. "Oh…" Tenshi squinted at the Sharingan user. She got a bad vibe from him. "You're playing. Sasori?"

The short redhead stepped up. Tenshi looked at him. "You're playing too. And Kisame?"

The swordsman stepped up. Tenshi grinned again. "Ok! Now that I met all the contestants— who actually need to go on stage; go up there by y'all name— you other people introduce yourselves. You, start." She pointed at Hidan.

"The fuck I have to—?!" he started, but was interrupted.

"His name is Hidan. I'm Kakuzu." Kakuzu said.

Hidan started to complain, but Kakuzu sewed his mouth shut. "Oh, he'll get along well with Grimmjow and Noitora." Tenshi muttered. "Next?" the blonde asked.

"Deidara, hm." The bomber said, nodding at Tenshi.

"Tobi's name is Tobi!" Tobi piped up, pushing Deidara's head down to see Tenshi.

Deidara pushed him off angrily. "Get the fuck off!" he yelled.

"We're Zetsu." Said man came out of the ground beside Tenshi. She jumped and yelped.

"Don't do that! Who sneaks up on people like that?" she muttered the last part under her breath and added something about 'people getting killed like that'. She turned to the remaining members. "Well, the rules are simple: you people got sit anywhere over there," she pointed to the remaining seats where the rest of the Espada sat. "Just don't make too much noise or shout out answers or nothing. If you do, your team loses points and shit." Another piece of ceiling hit her on the head. She glared at the ceiling. "Oh ok, jeez! No cursing either. Just be civilized." She grumbled. "Got it? Good." She ignored the few muffled complaints from Hidan and turned to get onstage. The remaining members went to get seated.

Hidan plopped into the seat next to Grimmjow, a deep scowl on his face. "Did the bitch get you too?" Grimmjow asked lowly, glaring at Tenshi slightly. A piece of ceiling hit him on the head. "Ow!"

As if sensing his glare, Tenshi shot a glance in his direction. Hidan glared as well. "Mmmhmm mmmhhmm." He tried, then growled in frustration. Grimmjow grabbed the end of the string and pulled it out. "Ah fuck!" he yelled, holding his bleeding mouth. A piece of ceiling hit him on the head. "Ow!...Thansh." He muttered to Grimmjow as he silently cursed the Authoress.

"You're welcome." Grimmjow nodded back.

On the stage, Tenshi and Mika got both teams lined up correctly on their sides. "Now it's time to start!" Tenshi said loudly, a grin on her face.

"First up: Itachi Uchiha and Ulquiorra Schiffer!" Mika said.

"Uh-oh." Tenshi muttered.

"What?" Mika hissed.

"Earlier I had a bad feeling about that Uchiha guy, and now I know why!" she hissed back.

"Well, what is it?" Mika asked incredulously.

"Just watch." Tenshi said darkly as the two approached the podium.

"First question," Mika announced as she mentally wondered about her friend's mental health. "What is the most effective way to kill an opponent?"

Both Itachi and Ulquiorra hit the buzzer. At the same time. "I knew it!" Tenshi said darkly. "He's another Perfect One! Just like Ulquiorra!"

Ulquiorra sighed and looked at the short woman. "Tenshi, have you taken your medicine today?" he asked monotonously, as if going through a normal routine.

The girl looked down at her feet, shuffling around nonexistent dirt. "Maybe."

"Can we continue?" Mika sighed, dragging her hand down her face. "Tenshi, go take your meds." She pushed the girl in the direction of the area they kept their stuff. Tenshi dragged her feet as she went to go take her medication. "Let's try this again. On the count of three, hit the buzzer. One… two… three."

Again, both men hit the buzzer at the same time. Mika put her head down. "I quit. Itachi, just say your answer."

"Slit throat." He stated.

Mika turned to the board. "Slit throat" turned over as number one for twenty-nine points. "Is your team playing or passing?" Mika asked him.

"We're playing." He said before going to stand in his spot.

Mika went to go stand in front of Kisame, who was next. "Chop his head off." He said.

"Beheaded" turned over as number two for twenty points. "Sasori?" Mika moved down the line.

"Poison." The puppeteer said in an uninterested tone. His answer was number three for fifteen points.

"Hm, looks like this first round will go pretty quickly." Mika commented. She moved onto Konan. "Is it tough being the only woman with all those idiots?" she asked her. "Cuz I know Tenshi, Harribel;, and I have it hard and there're more than one of us."

Konan sighed. "You have no idea."

Mika patted her on the shoulder sympathetically. "You are one strong woman."

"Thanks." Konan smiled softly.

"So, what is the most effective way to kill an opponent?"

Konan thought for a moment. "You could suffocate him."

Her answer ranked number four for twelve points. Mika moved onto Pein. "Stab him in the heart."

"How heartless." Mika joked. She looked at the board, and the first red 'X' appeared. "First strike out of three." She commented.

She moved back to Itachi. "Punch him in the hear—"

"BLOW HIS ASS UP—! OOMPH!"

"Shut up, idiot! If we lose points because of you, it's coming out of your ass!"

Mika stared at Kakuzu, who had tackled Deidara when Tobi failed to keep his "sempai" quiet.

"… Sorry, but that will have to be points off." Mika said, wincing as the old miser struck the blonde terrorist on the head, enticing a yelp of pain from the boy.

Mika turned back to Itachi. "What was the last word?"

"Heart." The Uchiha said, a hint of annoyance lacing his voice at being interrupted.

They turned to the board; however, another red 'X' appeared. Mika moved onto Kisame. "Your answer?"

"Hm… Chop him in half."

The last red 'X' popped up. Mika strolled over to Ulquiorra. "What's the most—"

"Burn him." The quarto Espada interrupted her.

It turned over as the last answer for five points. Mika glared at Ulquiorra. "Interrupt me again and I'll sick Tenshi on you." She threatened.

"Sick me on who?" Tenshi walked out from the back, carrying a glass of water.

Mika pointed at Ulquiorra. Tenshi grinned slyly. "I'll get him after this is over."

Mika covered her hears, glaring at her friend. "Tenshi! Keep this fanfic at PG13 please! Stop being nasty!"

"I wasn't suggesting _that_!" Tenshi protested. She paused. "Unless, of course, you want me to mean it that way. I'm sure Ulquiorra wouldn't mind…" she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"ANYWAYS," Mika said over Tenshi, toning out the blonde's next words as she addressed you readers. "That's the end of the first round; come back next time for round two!"

"Hey, I was serious!" Tenshi said loudly to match Mika's volume.

Ulquiorra sighed. "Please, Tenshi, not in public."

"Oh, so now you're embarrassed of me?! Fine then, it's over!" Tenshi fake-wailed.

"Are you sure you took your meds?" Mika squinted at Tenshi.

Said girl looked around nervously before running off, cackling wildly. "You'll never take me alive!"

Ulquiorra sighed again. "I'll go take care of her." He followed Tenshi backstage.

"Can we just end this goddamned chapter al-fuckin'-ready?!" Hidan yelled from offstage, Grimmjow yelling his agreement.

And this chapter ends with the Authoress bonking the two idiots on the head: Hidan for cursing and Grimmjow for agreeing with him.

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**(A/n: And done! Next chapter most likely won't be as long cuz it'll only be one round and not much extra dialogue and shit in between. I wanted to thank you people who review; you really make me feel all fuzzy and shit about the crap that I write. Another thing: I feel like my actual round of them [the Akatsuki and Espada] actually playing F.F. was boring. Hell, it was boring for me to write. Any ideas on how to fix it? Or does it work better with the humor excluded from the main stuff? Let me know, please. Ja ne—0Kuro Tenshi0)**


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